hey, relax

just the other day, my girlfriend told me that they say it's healthier when people are total sluts in their sex dreams. and i realized that i am a total fucking PRUDE in my dreams. beyond prude. i'm like permanently programmed in PG-13. i mean, i don't even feel comfortable calling them sex dreams; they are THAT far from being anything that's even remotely exciting. they're totally prepubescent dreams. it's like i'm still an 11 year old dreaming about Uncle Jesse in Full House. heh...that was such a good dream.

plus, this makes me realize there must be something deeper holding me back. some constructs created from my childhood or something. and maybe it's holding me back in life too...in my enjoyment of life and in achieving my goals. and THAT, people, is no good. no good at all.

me having dreams tamer than what they can show on network television is pathetic and i'm going to do something about it! so i'm going to try lucid dreaming again. i had this book in high school that taught me about it, and after some practice, had really focused my mind to recognize when i was dreaming. a few times i was able to stay asleep (i would often wake up) after the realization.

i am putting my intention out there to relax and have more fun in my dreams. why deny? no. i'm TAKING what i want...i mean, it's a freaking dream!!! nothing can go wrong -- it's all in your head! everyone should try this!!

I think this will be a good exercise in life too. you know...the going after what you want part. not...being a slut. necessarily.

Flashback

i'm still in taiwan, spending some family time with my bro and the 'rents. in many ways, it's like i'm home in north carolina or something. rather than trying to go into taipei every opportunity like i did the last two years i visited taiwan, we've just been hanging a lot at home watching movies on the english channels. it's a sign of the times when 3/4 of us are glued to our laptops. but even my mom gets skype calls from her friends in NC. pretty funny if you think about it.

something struck me today, while i rode in the backseat to freaking costco of all places...haha. mom was driving, dad was in the passenger seat, and as i took in the scenery it dawned on me how i felt just like a kid again. i was riding with mom and dad while they talked about stuff in chinese. being here, i can't really do anything on my own. i mean, i can speak mandarin conversationally, but i can't read or write it. it would be really hard to navigate anywhere beyond taipei city. so it occurred to me how much i felt like a child. so dependent on my parents for EVERYTHING.

in a way, i'm totally realizing a fantasy that i conjured around christmastime--partly why i decided to stop drinking and smoking--of reverting to a youthful sobriety, where life experiences were all i got drunk on. i wanted this because i can remember an intensity of passion and belief i had in myself and all my dreams when i was a kid. i'm not saying i was free of insecurities and self-consciousness when i was young--far from it. but along with those things, i also had this unwavering belief in myself and my dreams. and i dreamt BIG. HUGE.

somewhere in between then and now, i sold myself short a little bit. i had to convince myself of what i could accomplish instead of just KNOWING it. i know now that it's partly because i found out how much i DIDN'T know about the business, and didn't know HOW to go after what i believed in. it's also partly because i just got rusty and out of practice. the good thing is that it's shifted again. i know what i want, i know what i can do, and i know that i will do it.

even though i have to find new representation now, during a very challenging time for actors, i am more excited than i have ever been about my career. i am so excited to find an agency on my own--to meet with agents and to pitch myself and my ideas. aack!! i can't wait to get back to LA!!!