ahhhh.....stateside again

i'm back! got home on friday and proceeded to go to my day er, night job bartending at the hotel cafe. what was i thinking??? exhaustion aside, i made some much needed cash.

before i go about my usual routine, i want to post a few pictures from my trip. this little one on the left here was me dicking around outside my grandma's house. during our last trip into the country, we visited my mom's cousin's house. he has 6 daughters and one son, several of whom are married with children. all of these adults were milling about, but they mostly speak taiwanese so i have a hard time communicating with them, plus the big culture clash. i'm the "american cousin" and noone really knows how to interact with me very well.

at one point one of the little kids comes and asks me to go outside to play with the dog. i go out there and these five kids ranging from the ages of 5-9 start playing with me and we run to the elementary school close by. it was by far the most fun part of the trip. i didn't worry about not being able to answer any questions or if my chinese was ok. we just played...like kids! once again--like i was a child again! they loved when i took their pictures, so i took a bunch. i just want to share a few. the last one is my favorite--you can already see their individual personalities...so cool!

Flashback

i'm still in taiwan, spending some family time with my bro and the 'rents. in many ways, it's like i'm home in north carolina or something. rather than trying to go into taipei every opportunity like i did the last two years i visited taiwan, we've just been hanging a lot at home watching movies on the english channels. it's a sign of the times when 3/4 of us are glued to our laptops. but even my mom gets skype calls from her friends in NC. pretty funny if you think about it.

something struck me today, while i rode in the backseat to freaking costco of all places...haha. mom was driving, dad was in the passenger seat, and as i took in the scenery it dawned on me how i felt just like a kid again. i was riding with mom and dad while they talked about stuff in chinese. being here, i can't really do anything on my own. i mean, i can speak mandarin conversationally, but i can't read or write it. it would be really hard to navigate anywhere beyond taipei city. so it occurred to me how much i felt like a child. so dependent on my parents for EVERYTHING.

in a way, i'm totally realizing a fantasy that i conjured around christmastime--partly why i decided to stop drinking and smoking--of reverting to a youthful sobriety, where life experiences were all i got drunk on. i wanted this because i can remember an intensity of passion and belief i had in myself and all my dreams when i was a kid. i'm not saying i was free of insecurities and self-consciousness when i was young--far from it. but along with those things, i also had this unwavering belief in myself and my dreams. and i dreamt BIG. HUGE.

somewhere in between then and now, i sold myself short a little bit. i had to convince myself of what i could accomplish instead of just KNOWING it. i know now that it's partly because i found out how much i DIDN'T know about the business, and didn't know HOW to go after what i believed in. it's also partly because i just got rusty and out of practice. the good thing is that it's shifted again. i know what i want, i know what i can do, and i know that i will do it.

even though i have to find new representation now, during a very challenging time for actors, i am more excited than i have ever been about my career. i am so excited to find an agency on my own--to meet with agents and to pitch myself and my ideas. aack!! i can't wait to get back to LA!!!

On Avail

This year feels like it will be really great for whatever reason. Perhaps it is stemming from within myself, but I know it will be a very prosperous year. Pilot season is about to start up, barring the SAG strike, which could still very well happen even though it is a terrible time to strike. Hearing actors whine about not making enough money is met with extreme dismay with the economy the way it is, but at the same time, many of the issues on the table are legitimate and the actors who really suffer are the ones like me, who are not making millions per picture (yet).

While I am VERY excited for this year to get rolling, I am postponing my real jump back in to go back to Taiwan for Chinese New Year. My dad, who works in Shanghai, will finally get a break and my whole family will see each other in Lin Ko, a city outside of Taipei. However, this trip isn't going to be all roses, because the real reason my brother and I are making this journey east is because my grandmother on my mom's side is 93 and sick. So, we really want to see her one more time, since going back to Taiwan is only a once a year luxury. These photos were taken December 2007 of my grandma, my mom, me, and one of my cousin's daughters. Four generations of women from my mom's side.




My grandmother doesn't speak Mandarin, and I don't speak Taiwanese, so I've never been able to really have a conversation with her. It makes me feel so disconnected from my lineage and culture sometimes. I have no idea what I will feel when she passes away. I can't even wrap my head around it right now. Sigh...

Since I'll be leaving on Jan 21st, and not returning until the 30th, I'll be missing a lot of auditions. So this past week, when two rolled down the pipeline, I decided it would be necessary to book at least one of them! Of course I try to book everything I go on, but it's not always realistic or possible. BUT, I'm on avail for one of them! Verizon.

If you're wondering what being "on avail" means, it is essentially being put on hold for a job. The production company may put a few extra people on "avail" in case someone passes on the job, perhaps for another job or due to illness, etc. Sometimes the spot just doesn't get shot, and that might be another reason you're released from your avail. But, what it does mean is that you made it through all the rounds and that you just about have the job. So as an actor, you have to be happy that you essentially booked it, even if you're released for whatever reason. Just before the break, I shot Pizza Hut, but I was also on avail for a Time Warner Cable spot at the same time and got released. I think because I was their second choice for the asian girl role. Still, it means I beat out lots of people to get that avail, and my agents know that I am likely to book jobs. Many agencies keep track of how often their clients get callbacks, etc to track their likelihood of booking, so any callback or avails are all GREAT for your relationship with your agents.

I'll let you know if I am booked for certain! Will know on Monday. Until then, have a great weekend!

Holiday Reflection

This holiday season has been a strange one for me. For one, I'm not spending it with my whole family, although I am fortunate to spend it with my big brother at the very least. My mom is in Taiwan, and my dad is working in Shanghai. This fall, my mom came to visit the states for several weeks, so she didn't feel like going through the rigmorale of traveling stateside again, and also she stayed behind because my grandmother isn't doing so great. My dad feels it necessary to stay in shanghai for work. the ailing economy has put the pressure on, not to mention christmas isn't exactly huge in asia.

I should also mention that the last three holiday seasons I was in a relationship that broke up this summer. So it's also strange not to have that anchoring the Christmas season, especially because the last two years we went to asia together over the holidays. But this is all just sentimental bullshit anyway, because i wouldn't want it any other way right now. The relationship ended for a reason, and we're both better people for it.

All in all, this holiday has been a period of reflection. I learned so much about myself this last year. I gained invaluable experience and confidence in myself and I feel really good about going into this next year. I have no doubts that my career is gaining momentum. I am so grateful for the work I've gotten in what has been an incredibly challenging year for actors. I shot two commercials, a promo for CBS, and a co-star on a successful show on ABC! Thank you thank you thank you thank you to everything and everyone who was responsible for making these things happen.

In 2009 i intend to do many workshops and get as many casting directors familiar with me and my work as possible. I am a working actress in Los Angeles. My dream is a reality, and I am so grateful for all the joy this brings into my life. I look forward to doing more, telling great stories, and meeting interesting, passionate people who are also living their dreams.