magic

the last few weeks have been intense. they were some of the most gratifying days of my life, and some of the most stressful.

but i did it!

in a few short weeks i somehow managed to take an idea and turn it into a real production. and not only that, but i found the most amazing team of people i could ask for to do this on a shoestring budget. i mean, it wasn't cheap...and i'm no moneybags right now, but i believed in the project, so i was willing to go for it.

all in all, i have learned soooo much about producing. one thing i realized is that there is always potential for something to get fucked up. for example, i lost location after location after location until finally finding a PERFECT spot downtown, literally 2 days before the shoot. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.

but i pulled it off. i wanted to jump right into editing, but i had to go up to my cousins wedding in San Fran, which turned out to be the perfect mini-vacation before jumping headfirst into this whole post production process. whew!

so...it will be put up as soon as it's done, my pretties...as soon as it's done...muah hahaha...

i will also be editing a few other vlaaaahgs to put up between now and then...wohoo!

p

SUP

hey, relax

just the other day, my girlfriend told me that they say it's healthier when people are total sluts in their sex dreams. and i realized that i am a total fucking PRUDE in my dreams. beyond prude. i'm like permanently programmed in PG-13. i mean, i don't even feel comfortable calling them sex dreams; they are THAT far from being anything that's even remotely exciting. they're totally prepubescent dreams. it's like i'm still an 11 year old dreaming about Uncle Jesse in Full House. heh...that was such a good dream.

plus, this makes me realize there must be something deeper holding me back. some constructs created from my childhood or something. and maybe it's holding me back in life too...in my enjoyment of life and in achieving my goals. and THAT, people, is no good. no good at all.

me having dreams tamer than what they can show on network television is pathetic and i'm going to do something about it! so i'm going to try lucid dreaming again. i had this book in high school that taught me about it, and after some practice, had really focused my mind to recognize when i was dreaming. a few times i was able to stay asleep (i would often wake up) after the realization.

i am putting my intention out there to relax and have more fun in my dreams. why deny? no. i'm TAKING what i want...i mean, it's a freaking dream!!! nothing can go wrong -- it's all in your head! everyone should try this!!

I think this will be a good exercise in life too. you know...the going after what you want part. not...being a slut. necessarily.

thoughts for her

it almost seems inappropriate to talk about now that she's gone. but since i wrote previous entries about her, i feel like i kind of need to let the people who read about her know that she's finally left us.

tonight when i got home from work, i saw the message from my mom that my grandma had passed away. as much as i knew in my heart that she is in a much better place, i still cried...and felt...selfish...for feeling sad. if i was to only feel for her, i should be happy...because she can finally be at peace. the sadness is for my own feelings of loss. a loss of history. of culture.

i wish i had known her better. i wish i had seen her when she was young. i wish i had known her then. i wish i could have talked with her more. i wish i had spoken her language. especially now that she's gone, it is even more apparent that i hardly knew her at all.

i want to tell her that she's amazing for raising six children on her own, running a farm after my grandfather passed away so young. i want her to know that she is a part of me. i want to thank her for giving me my mother.

the important thing is that my mom is ok. and probably...relieved. it was incredibly difficult for her to see my grandma suffering.

if any of you are reading, please just send a good thought out to my grandma and my mom too. thanks everybody...

patty