Flashback

i'm still in taiwan, spending some family time with my bro and the 'rents. in many ways, it's like i'm home in north carolina or something. rather than trying to go into taipei every opportunity like i did the last two years i visited taiwan, we've just been hanging a lot at home watching movies on the english channels. it's a sign of the times when 3/4 of us are glued to our laptops. but even my mom gets skype calls from her friends in NC. pretty funny if you think about it.

something struck me today, while i rode in the backseat to freaking costco of all places...haha. mom was driving, dad was in the passenger seat, and as i took in the scenery it dawned on me how i felt just like a kid again. i was riding with mom and dad while they talked about stuff in chinese. being here, i can't really do anything on my own. i mean, i can speak mandarin conversationally, but i can't read or write it. it would be really hard to navigate anywhere beyond taipei city. so it occurred to me how much i felt like a child. so dependent on my parents for EVERYTHING.

in a way, i'm totally realizing a fantasy that i conjured around christmastime--partly why i decided to stop drinking and smoking--of reverting to a youthful sobriety, where life experiences were all i got drunk on. i wanted this because i can remember an intensity of passion and belief i had in myself and all my dreams when i was a kid. i'm not saying i was free of insecurities and self-consciousness when i was young--far from it. but along with those things, i also had this unwavering belief in myself and my dreams. and i dreamt BIG. HUGE.

somewhere in between then and now, i sold myself short a little bit. i had to convince myself of what i could accomplish instead of just KNOWING it. i know now that it's partly because i found out how much i DIDN'T know about the business, and didn't know HOW to go after what i believed in. it's also partly because i just got rusty and out of practice. the good thing is that it's shifted again. i know what i want, i know what i can do, and i know that i will do it.

even though i have to find new representation now, during a very challenging time for actors, i am more excited than i have ever been about my career. i am so excited to find an agency on my own--to meet with agents and to pitch myself and my ideas. aack!! i can't wait to get back to LA!!!

Journey to the East

i left for taiwan at 12:10am on wednesday with a 2+ hour layover in seoul, korea. it's been nice to be with my family, but challenging in other, more emotional ways.

we went to the country and saw grandma yesterday. it was kind of intense. the intensive care unit only opens up visiting for 20 minutes three times a day. we weren't sure if we'd get there in time for the morning visit, but managed to make it a few minutes late. we walked into these automatic sliding doors and a nurse pointed a little scanner gun to our heads to make sure we had normal body temps. then we had to put on these hospital gown-like shirts. my mom whisked me into my grandma's room, where she was hooked up to a dialysis. she had tubes sticking all over the place and a breathing mask. the whole experience was kind of frantic. my mom called out to my grandma several times, and her breathing got really labored, but she never woke up. i think the roughest part was that my mom got really emotional...she started to cry, which made me well up too.

then as quickly as we went in, we rushed out so that my brother and my dad could go in, since they only allow 2 people in at a time. it was nuts. i wasn't even sure what had happened. 20 minutes isn't enough time, but that's all intensive care allows.

afterwards, on our way out of the hospital, my mom coerced me into getting some soft serve ice cream with her at the little shop in the hospital. she wanted it because she was really hot...from that frantic visit no doubt. it was kind of cute i guess...a little comfort food to ease some of the stress. my mom was eating hers from the top and the ice cream was dripping on her hands...she was like a little kid and my dad was trying to clean her up and they were bickering back and forth, but laughing at the same time.

i went back with my uncle during the afternoon visiting window, and saw grandma again. she was still unresponsive, but every few minutes her body convulsed in a coughing fit. each time this happened, it seemed like she would just wake up right then, but she didn't. her body was just reacting on it's own. the nurses had put her on her side because she was getting bed rashes on her tailbone, and her legs were exposed. her calf muscles were so tiny from atrophy. it was so sad to see her like this. it's hard to imagine that she'll recover from this...being 93. the last time she regained consciousness was a week ago, but she was only awake for a few hours.

maybe it was psychosomatic, but the rest of the day i felt sick to my stomach. i also felt short of breath during our three hour drive back to Linko. i couldn't stop thinking about my grandma coughing, and how it all started with this infection in her lung that was resistent to antibiotics. i got paranoid that i maybe caught something in the hospital, but didn't say anything. i woke up today though, and felt fine.

my apologies for such a heavy post...but this is what's going on. i've been taking a lot of photos, so i'll try to post some more later. what i'm grateful for, however, is that i got to see my grandmother at all. and i'm grateful that my family can be here together for chinese new year. this is the first time i've spent chinese new year in taiwan with my parents and brother, so this is a special trip.

more to come....

Fits and Starts

So, yesterday was kind of a rough day in the life of Patty. I mean...not reeeeaaaallly. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat. I have the clothes on my back (and the stupid amount of clothes in my closet). But as much as I was trying to see all the positives about my "A" agency dropping me, I couldn't help but get bummed. Fuck, I got BUMMED.

By the way, did I tell you I'm taking a break from the booze and ganja as a new years resolution? Uh...ok, I know I didn't, it's my own damn blog. So yeah...I am not shy to say I'm a social drinker and a smoker of green. But it was getting excessive because of my very "relaxed" lifestyle. I mean, I bartend two nights a week, but the rest of my week is open. The great thing is, I pretty much NEVER miss an audition. The bad thing is, I have too much free time sometimes. I have too much free time a LOT of the time. So, my occasional puff puff turned into a much more regular habit. Not only that, but I feel like everyone in LA smokes. So anyway, I decided that I was going to stop for two whole months. I know what you're thinking. Two months? That's it? Hunny, two months solid of not smoking is pretty damn good in my book. And plus, the point is to change the habit. After the two months is over, it will feel normal to be not smoking. While I was at it, I decided to just not drink too. And actually, it is WAY harder not to drink! Dinner parties with wine and meeting up with people over a drink are choice socialization options in this town. But it feels really good to be clean and I might just stay sober for longer.

ANYWAY, the reason I even went into that is because yesterday after I pounded out my submissions to those agencies (I sent them my photos, resume, and a brief intro message), the sun went down, and it really sank in that I lost my theatrical rep at one of the best agencies in town. FUCK. I was sitting at my desk, starting to feel tired, and MAN, all I wanted to do was smoke a fatty. But I didn't. It's just funny...i wanted to escape and not feel shitty. But it would have actually just made me feel shittier in the long run.

Of COURSE I have to end this entry with some decent news. One of the agencies that I wrote, AKA , called me to set up a meeting for next week. They commercially represent Daniel Dae Kim, and Lauren Holly for voice over, plus some young folks that are entering the scene through teeny bopper gigs like Twilight (Rachelle Lefevre) and 90210 (Adam Gregory) commercially as well. I still need to gauge how they are theatrically, but i'm thinking maybe i'll start looking at my options commercially as well. Who knows! Change is great!!!

Now that I have the meeting, I'm excited again. I'm hoping to get more meetings with other agencies as well. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Peaks and Valleys

So, i hit a major speed bump in my career today. My agent Melissa calls me from her cell and says she has bad news. Uh oh...i knew what was coming. Innovative cut the breakout division. Completely axed it. They made major cuts in their client roster, and unfortunately I have the misfortune of getting cut. The only clients they kept from that division were those who were currently on a show or film, or recently booked a substantial gig. For example, one of Melissa's clients is AnnaLynne McCord from the new 90210. My recent co-star on Brothers & Sisters didn't quite cut it. I am, however, still with Innovative commercially.

I immediately emailed a manager that I met a few months ago. Her name is Stephanie Nese. She represents Melonie Diaz, Rick Gonzalez, and some other young development clients. We had a great meeting and she told me she was interested in me, but that she couldn't take on a new development client right now, with the pending strike, etc. It wouldn't have served me or her other clients for her to take someone new on, with fewer jobs than usual out there for all of us. However, she said that I should keep in touch with her, and that I should call her or email her if I ever had questions.

SO, I emailed her today and told her what happened. I asked her if she had any agents that she recommended I contact. Almost immediately she emailed me back and listed a few companies. KSA, Gage Group, Corsa Agency, and Glick Agency. She told me to let them know she referred me to them, and that she was interested, but couldn't take me on right now. How seriously cool of her. Her company, Framework Entertainment, represents some huge names like John C. Reilly, and Lucy Liu, so it should help me get meetings with these agencies.

On a positive note, i got a callback today for the other audition I had last week--this one is for Audi. I feel really great about it, but the problem is that it shoots on the dates I'm supposed to go to Taiwan to see my Grandmother. I'll have a tough decision to make if I book the job, but also, it's a terrible time to lose representation because pilot season is about to start. So I am feeling very anxious about leaving town in this position where I need to really HUSTLE and get new rep.

s t r e s s f u l .

I'm looking at this positively though. In all honesty, I've felt disconnected from my representation. I never felt like they knew what I was all about and what I had to offer. And even though I wanted more, it was so comfy and safe in a great name like Innovative. So I think this is for the best in the long run. Melissa in part took me on as a favor to her good friend. I want an agent to take me on because he or she really believes in me and GETS me. Wish me luck finding the one!

Maybe I Jinxed Myself

Gah, I got released from the Verizon spot damnit!! haha! But you see, people, this is what actors go through. You almost get the job, you don't the job. Sometimes you get the job, but the spot doesn't ever make it on the air. And then sometimes you REALLY get the job, and the spot airs a ton and you make lots of $$$$$.

THANKFULLY, my Pizza Hut spot is AIRING! Fuck yeah! This means residual earnings for yours truly. Excellent. If you watch sports much, I think it will mostly be airing during the games. So, you win some, you lose some. Onto the the next!!

TONIGHT: Workshop with a casting director named Kari Kurto who used to work on the shows Weeds and My Name is Earl. She was an associate on those shows, but left to start her own office, which tells me this is a great time to meet her. Should be fun!

On Avail

This year feels like it will be really great for whatever reason. Perhaps it is stemming from within myself, but I know it will be a very prosperous year. Pilot season is about to start up, barring the SAG strike, which could still very well happen even though it is a terrible time to strike. Hearing actors whine about not making enough money is met with extreme dismay with the economy the way it is, but at the same time, many of the issues on the table are legitimate and the actors who really suffer are the ones like me, who are not making millions per picture (yet).

While I am VERY excited for this year to get rolling, I am postponing my real jump back in to go back to Taiwan for Chinese New Year. My dad, who works in Shanghai, will finally get a break and my whole family will see each other in Lin Ko, a city outside of Taipei. However, this trip isn't going to be all roses, because the real reason my brother and I are making this journey east is because my grandmother on my mom's side is 93 and sick. So, we really want to see her one more time, since going back to Taiwan is only a once a year luxury. These photos were taken December 2007 of my grandma, my mom, me, and one of my cousin's daughters. Four generations of women from my mom's side.




My grandmother doesn't speak Mandarin, and I don't speak Taiwanese, so I've never been able to really have a conversation with her. It makes me feel so disconnected from my lineage and culture sometimes. I have no idea what I will feel when she passes away. I can't even wrap my head around it right now. Sigh...

Since I'll be leaving on Jan 21st, and not returning until the 30th, I'll be missing a lot of auditions. So this past week, when two rolled down the pipeline, I decided it would be necessary to book at least one of them! Of course I try to book everything I go on, but it's not always realistic or possible. BUT, I'm on avail for one of them! Verizon.

If you're wondering what being "on avail" means, it is essentially being put on hold for a job. The production company may put a few extra people on "avail" in case someone passes on the job, perhaps for another job or due to illness, etc. Sometimes the spot just doesn't get shot, and that might be another reason you're released from your avail. But, what it does mean is that you made it through all the rounds and that you just about have the job. So as an actor, you have to be happy that you essentially booked it, even if you're released for whatever reason. Just before the break, I shot Pizza Hut, but I was also on avail for a Time Warner Cable spot at the same time and got released. I think because I was their second choice for the asian girl role. Still, it means I beat out lots of people to get that avail, and my agents know that I am likely to book jobs. Many agencies keep track of how often their clients get callbacks, etc to track their likelihood of booking, so any callback or avails are all GREAT for your relationship with your agents.

I'll let you know if I am booked for certain! Will know on Monday. Until then, have a great weekend!